Baby Steps

so last week was one of the hardest weeks I have ever had to get over. Nothing really major happened, it was just an emotional roller coaster. I don't even know how many times I called my mom crying so hard I couldn't even talk to her. She knows that when someone calls her and blubbers in her ear that its me, ha. In a sense I feel accomplished, cause I swore I wouldn't make it through the day.. Each day was such a struggle and I felt like I just couldn't do it. I had to call in to work one day, and that made me feel just terrible. i didn't want it to have to come to that but there is no way I would have survived through my shift. I barley made it through that day. I feel like that week was probably top 2 worst weeks ever for me.. the first week being the week I decided to finally get some help. Each day I over come I feel stronger. I argue with my mom all the time about not having enough strength to breathe, but the truth is that its there. You have no choice to breathe, just like you have no say in whether or not you want to skip the bad days. The point is, that I did it. I over came it.. I sought out some more help, some I know that may be a little over due. I am determined to get better, and try and make sure that no one has to ever go through what I'm currently going through. It's sad when you're so depressed that the T.V not working can give you the same reaction as to someone passing away.. That's how I am right now, but today is a good day. It also kinda seems stupid, even on my good days I don't feel happy.. and I don't like that. I used to be the happiest person I knew. I could make any circumstance into something that someone could smile over. Now, if the T.V doesn't work I start to cry.. It just silly stuff, and slowly I'm teaching myself that it's okay to cry. Just because I have a bad day, or a bad week doesn't mean I'm not making progress. The fact that I know that eventually it will get better is progress. The fact that I take in my next breath is progress. It's something that I didn't want to do for a long time.. Now I know that bad days are okay. I just need to remind myself of that the next bad day that comes along.  Depression is not a joke, or anything to be fooled around with. I should of listened to my family and got help sooner. Sometimes I beat myself up for not having money to make christmas happen this year.. 

It's not a very happy christmas season at all, there are a lot of things going on that just aren't good at all... Some things are really bad, and some are not so bad. Either way, I'm determined to do whatever I can to help make christmas happy for my family, I don't really know what is going to happen for that, but I have to be able to help somewhere.. Mom and I and Eric have talked about some ways that I can help, we just got to see if it actually will.. I know that christmas is the family that your surrounded with and all the joy of the season, but if the family your around isn't having a very good christmas season, then there has to be something more.