Ugh

So... Today was a bad day..  I feel like I'm going to lose everything I have tried to work for. I don't even really know what to do.. This has been such a bad week, and I really don't know what I'm going to do this weekend. I can't allow my bad week to continue into my weekend ... I'm not strong enough to make the pain stop... I'm not strong enough to make it go away. Mom thinks I'm strong enough, I just don't know. I honestly can barley tell which way is up.. 

Someone is coming to look at our apartment tonight.. Peggy helped Eric clean up, while I sorted myself out, upstairs.. I really appreciate your help, thank you.

I packed somethings upstairs.. like my necklaces, and I organized  the closet, while I was on the phone with my mom. She's always so understanding and patient, she knows when I really need her... Moms are so great. 

I hoped for a new beginning, but i guess the new house will just have to do. 

I feel as though I am stuck against a wall. I can't go through, I can't go down. I can't go up the wall, because I'm not strong enough. I can't climb. I'm stuck facing backwards. I'm watching a movie of my life, going back all the way to when I remember the pain starting. I would start it all over. I would re-do everything, make it all okay. If only I could... But now there's this wall, the one not allowing me to just walk. I've just been walking.. I haven't been on one path for a particular amount of time. I keep switching, losing my way. Now all the paths I have taken have become one... Now everything that has ever hurt, is right in front of my face.I can't fight it. I can only scream and cry and suffer in my own torment.. This is all that it has come to.. This wall... I can't fight the way.. I need a way out. I need the light at the end of the tunnel that I thought was the way out. I need that light to shine back down, because it's disappeared into the darkness. The darkness has swallowed the light, and now the light is trapped and has become more darkness.. Everything, everything is darkness. Nothing is good anymore. Nothing... There's nowhere to go, there's no hope, there's no more room to try.. there is only darkness.. there is only disappointment, there is only torment.. 

And I can't find my way.. so once again.. darkness consumes me, swallows me whole... As everything slips into the background and fades away.. farther and farther away from my reach.