i was right

today is not a good day .. Eric keeps coming upstairs just for like 3minutes at a time, to give me a kiss and talk to me .. and it's annoying me.. i know that's really bad.. i can't help it .. i apparently just want to be a lone. i usually hate it when he pays more attention to his xbox than to me, but i don't really know.. I need to scream i think .. im so sick of crying so i should try screaming .. I've hit that wall again i thought i started walking away from it.. i thought everything was getting better.. new house, new attitude?.. No.. I was wrong ... 

I was doing so good.. I fought the urge to stay in bed.. I accomplished so much ... She said if I get up early and do things that it will help ... it's currently not helping.. I can't stand being alive right now.. I don't know what its about anymore.. but apparently nothing has helped.. maybe i do need something more than just time.. I cant do this on my own.. I thought I could, but I have good days and I think that everything is all better and then I have bad days where nothing matters and nothing helps, and I can't pull myself up this wall.. She said to tear the wall down .. or find another path.. But I can't .. this is the end of the road all the paths have come to one.. and this one stops at this wall.. I can't go any further.. I can't tear it down... I don't know how.. Im not strong enough to do it.. I'm stuck in this universe of rewind, guilt and pain.. 

I can't ... I've been saying I can't my whole life.. I wanted to turn it into I can.. but I can't do that.. There are some people who overcome the same feelings, I'm not one of those people.. Maybe some day.. maybe not.. I don't really know... all I know right now is that I'm stuck.. I don't know what's going to make it all better and I don't know how I'm going to survive a routine of going back to work.. I really don't know.. I don't know if I can handle it, but I know I'm screwing everything up by not working .. We can't do anything .. we're soo stuck without my income.. 

See what I have done? I have messed everything up by not being at work.. I can't take much more of me screwing up .. I can't take it.. I'm just so lucky Eric is so understanding of my non-sense.. 

Today ... I can't do it ...I dont even want to breathe